I am the auditor who wants to look at your books

I am the batteries that aren't included

I am the blown fuse that blacks you out

I am the bubble gum that sticks in your hair

I am the bubble gum that sticks to your shoe

I am the burned out bulb you can not reach

I am the butter that burns in your pan

I am the cat that should be let out of the bag

I am the check that overdraws your account

I am the check writer in the cash only lane

I am the chill that runs up your spine

I am the clock cleaner who will ring your chimes

I am the cloud that rains on your hit parade

I am the cold sore that stings your lips

I am the combination lock on the vault of justice

I am the current of vengeance gurgling through your sewer

I am the editor that cuts your scene

I am the editor that leaves you on the cutting room floor

I am the fast food that comes back to haunt you

I am the feathery phantom that haunts your nightmares

I am the fingernail that scrapes the chalkboard of your soul

I am the flea you cannot flick

I am the ghost of a chance that you don't have

I am the grade curve that gives you an 'F'

I am the hairball that clogs your drain

I am the hair in the lens of your projector

I am the ham radio operator that scrambles your reception

I am the headache in the criminal mind

I am the Heimlich maneuver for the choking victims of crime

I am the hero that every culture needs

I am the icky bug that crawls up your trouser leg

I am the ingrown toenail in your paddy pumps

I am the ingrown toenail on the foot of crime

I am the itch you can not reach

I am the jackal that knaws at your bones

I am the jailer who throws away the key

I am the limestone that petrifies your bones

I am the little mouse that eats your cheese

I am the lollipop that sticks in your hair

I am the low point in your sine wave

I am the low rating that cancels your program

I am the metal key on the sardine can of justice

I am the meter on the taxicab of justice

I am the moth that seeks your porch light

I am the muddy shoes that track the linoleum of crime

I am the neurosis that requires a $500 an hour shrink

I am the number ninety sunblock that'll stop your burn

I am the onion that stings in your eyes

I am the original Mr. Fix-it

I am the paper cut that ruins your morning

I am the parking meter that expires while you shop

I am the pebble in the shoe of ignominy

I am the pencil that breaks from signing too many autographs

I am the pimple that forms before a really big date

I am the pin that will burst your bubble

I am the pitbull that bites the ankle of crime

I am the plot twist in the second reel

I am the principal you are sent to see

I am the pustulus blister that bursts in your boot

I am the quality time that ruins your play time

I am the raspberry seed you can't floss out

I am the repairman who tells you your warranty just ran out

I am the rhinestones on the jump suit of justice

I am the rust in the pipes of crime

I am the sandtrap on the fairway of evil

I am the schnauzer that digs up your petunias

I am the scrubbing bubble to criminal scum

I am the single career man all women want to date

I am the slug that slimes your begonias

I am the smoke that smokes smoked oysters

I am the soap scum that lines your bathtub

I am the special news bulletin that interrupts your favorite show

I am the spinach that sticks in your teeth

I am the squeaky stair that gives away your presence

I am the squashed bug on your flying saucer windshield

I am the stain that can't be rubbed out

I am the substantial and inescapable penalty for early withdrawal

I am the super nova at the center of the universe

I am the surprise in your cereal box

I am the switch that derails your train

I am the $10 service charge on all returned checks

I am the termite that devours your floor boards

I am the thing that goes bump in the night

I am the tube of cadmium yellow that's impossible to open

I am the water balloon that lands right on your head

I am the weedwhacker in the garden of evil

I am the weirdo that sits next to you on the bus

I am the widget missing from the easy to assemble swingset

I am the winged scourge that pecks at your nightmares

I am the wrong number that wakes you at 3:00 a.m.

I am the zit that forms when you got a really big date